I Don't Believe in Christians

"God doesn't believe in atheists." I'm not exactly sure where this silly quip originated, but it seems to have been popularized by the Christian apologist Ray Comfort (author of a book of that title). Recently I've seen it bandied about ad nauseam on YouTube, blogs, and discussion forums, etc. The idea is that the reality of a creator is plainly apparent to everyone and that those who deny it are simply being dishonest fools (a sentiment echoed from scripture—see Romans 1:18-20, Psalm 14:1). It seems to me that if God's existence were so blatantly obvious as that then apologists wouldn't need to waste so much time writing books in defense of theism. Mr. Comfort doth protest too much, methinks.

At any rate, it is my contention that Christians do not exist. Or at least, if they do, I've never met one. In the Gospel of Mark (16:17-18), Jesus is supposed to have specifically outlined the means by which we can identify Christians: "These signs will accompany those who have believed: in My name they will cast out demons, they will speak with new tongues; they will pick up serpents, and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them; they will lay hands on the sick, and they will recover." Of course, not one single person claiming to be a Christian that I have met in my entire life matches this description. Yet shouldn't it be easy for any true Christian to prove me wrong? As an added bonus, I would instantly convert. In reality however, deadly poison kills indiscriminately. By the evangelist's own definition, there is not such a thing as a Christian.